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22 August 2008 @ 01:38 am
 Please comment, I'd appreciate it!

The hope is despairing,
Like a goodbye that is forgotten,
Buried in the cinders and ashes of the lost,
Hidden and cold to our eyes
That are so aching with frost.
We alone cannot spy the terror,
Rising like a tattoo on our hearts,
The brittle fear a crescendo on our ears,
Letting loose a dark wave of sound
That we never want to hear.
Striking like an anvil inside us,
Beautifully breaking us
Into shattered pieces that know no home,
Alone in the ashes of a burned world.
Tattered in our obscurity,
As if we have been stolen
Into the heart of a black hole,
Where no light shines
And fire is over,
Never to begin again.
And our dark wraps like a cocoon around us,
Silencing the hard glare of light
Where we are calm,
And it seems peace has finally taken
Our broken selves.
Not healed, but brought together,
In no way the same,
Like a forgotten past
Or a future never seen.
Forever is siren in our heads,
Telling that we will never be
That old life’s destiny
Because we are cracked with despair,
Like pale ashes blown in the wind
Remains of what they used to be,
Always knowing what they lost,
Yet following the wind nevertheless.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
thesearefables: audreythesearefables on August 24th, 2008 03:04 am (UTC)
Well, I definitely feel the despair! For me I'm getting some sort of tragic event happening, and the person slipping into a depression, broken etc... but then tries to pick themselves up again and keep going, despite always carrying that burden with them.

It's up to you, of course, but for me I feel the poem would benefit from being visually broken up into stanzas. I think it might help the reader feel more of a sense of the 'journey' from hopelessness to sort of 'moving on' per sa.

Also, I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but line 3 and 5 rhyme (lost and frost)... it sort of threw me off, because I thought the rest of the poem would have some sort of traditional rhyming scheme.

My favorite line was definitely 'Alone in the ashes of a burned world.' Nice work!

silverrise on August 27th, 2008 03:23 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for commenting! And yeah, you totally got the meaning of the poem, which is a relief for me! :)

I might break it up into stanzas, it probably would help with moving on in the poem. I'll have to think about it and see how it looks. Thanks again!